today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
