when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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