I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
