even my farts smell like vagina
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
