Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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