In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
