What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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