Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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