dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
