Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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