we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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