Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
