So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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