I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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