It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Randomize