You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
