farters have to be the big spoon...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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