The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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