Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
