Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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