The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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