you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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