Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
