The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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