Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
