I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
