whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
