Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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