Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
