One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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