That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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