Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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