Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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