capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
