He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
