My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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