My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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