burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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