So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
