The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
