i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
