Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
