im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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