I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
