theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
