i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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