My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
