u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
