matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
