It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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