Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
