Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
