I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
