It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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