Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
