It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
