saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
