Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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