My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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